hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
