Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
