sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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