i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
