Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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