It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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