they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
