capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
