I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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