I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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