I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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