well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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