You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
