Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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