he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
