Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize