Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
