I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
