Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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