I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
