I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
