Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
