the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
