I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
