3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I could have mohawked her pubes.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
