I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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