Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
