its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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