so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
