You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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