When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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