I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
