It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
