So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
