I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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