The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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