I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
