when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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