If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize