Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
