I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
false alarm. still invincible.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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