new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
