Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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