I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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