ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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