Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
