Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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