Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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