so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize