you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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