the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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