How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
