woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
