I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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