my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
