I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
