We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
