I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
