i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize