just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
