Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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