just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize