how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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