Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
