Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
