I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
