3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize