Your dad touched me again.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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